I remember when

 20 years ago today my father left his physical body to move onto another realm.  It doesn't feel like 20 years, but when I see all the events that have taken place in the last twenty years, I take in a deep breath! marriage, child, cancer treatment, the pandemic - all this while he has not been physically around - but does it make sense  when I say that I felt his energy at every step? Because although he wasn't physically there, there was an invisible presence through all these phases.  So who was this man that everyone so greatly loved?  

Suresh Tirathdas Nankani aka Tommy was born on January 26, 1948.  He was even born on an important day in Indian History - Republic Day - a year after India Pakistan Partition. He was the oldest of six siblings and responsibility was thrust onto him I believe at a young age.  He came from a tight knit family - extremely close to his siblings and his cousins.  What I remember as a young age was family always being around him - he was surrounded by uncles/aunts/cousins- always.  My father became a dad at a young age - he married young.  An added responsibility in addition to being in charge of the family business.  He worked very hard.  He had a strong work ethic.  He loved life - he would be out on the dance floor dancing, he introduced me to the Beatles and the Bee Gees, and even though he didn't go to college, one could mistaken him for a college professor.  He read a lot in his spare time. All sorts of books - in his later years he read self-help books.  He was a world traveler and he could always tell where a person is from based on their accent - i loved playing that game with him.  And he was always right - in today's age it would not be politically correct to say that - but it just shows how much he traveled.  He introduced me to Indian cinema, and world cinema.  The family owned cinemas in Kumasi, Ghana and as a child we would go to the cinema halls and watch Amitabh Bacchan on the big screen and there became my love for Hindi Music and Cinema.  

Family was everything to him - we used to call our house "The Nankani Hotel."  he taught us hospitality - and the meaning of family - going out of his way to make each visitor feel special even if he didn't have the time. He always made time- we would always be at the statue of liberty, or south street seaport, or driving through neighborhoods.  He was a good tour guide - giving us history as we drove through the city.  

He was a good writer - and as children he kept us happy by writing letters to us that were like fairy tales.  You see we lived apart for a while - again that was because he wanted us to have a good education.  So we saw him every couple of months.  In the meantime we would receive letters by mail.  

He was always in meetings and people were always calling, or coming to meet him.  At first I thought they were business meetings - but people came to him for help with his problems - financial, whatever it may be and he was always willing to help.  He would be on the phone calling someone asking if they can help this person or that.  He had a big heart.  In 1985 he made one of the most important decisions in his life - not for himself - but for his family - he decided to move to the U.S. - and that's how we came to New Jersey.  He was in for a shock of his life because all the hardships of this country he had to face- he had to be the one to do it all on his own - and he did.  A large part of my teen years was watching him create his business - a men's clothing store in the West Village called Man Plus.  He taught me to love NYC - and through him we explored the village- Man Plus was our second home.  I would spend my time there either on the cash register or in the back or with him in the accounts.  I watched him in action and learned the traits of being a good manager - when I look back on my years there, as much as I complained about having to be at the store - I realize that in effect it was a training ground for me in leadership, management and teamwork.  I would accompany him on trade fairs and watch him pick merchandize for the store, I would watch how he would bargain with the prices. I would watch how everyone liked him - so they always gave him a break.  But boy did he work sooo hard.  And for what- for us- so we could fulfill our dreams - so we could have the life he didn't have.  

He was not very ritualistic - but he had faith.  His silent prayers, his meditation, and his trust in the will of the Lord - helped him prepare for the biggest battle of his life - facing cancer.  If there is one thing I can say about him is that he has the strength of a 1001 lions and more put together for the amount of pain and mistakes doctors made and clinical trials that he underwent.  He could not give up because he was only 50 when he was diagnosed.  That is too young to go - so he fought till the very end.  But he knew that it was time - he knew that he had to start planning for his family and that's what he did - silently, slowly, and asked for more time till his affairs were in order - and when it was time for him to go - he gracefully surrendered into the Hands of the Divine.  

So you see - that's who my father was - a man none like I have ever met - and I am so blessed that I got to be his daughter.   

Anti Bucket LIst

I recently discovered Katie Bowler and her writings.  One piece that especially struck me was that of "Your Anti Bucket List." She talks about making our "finitude count" and how she discovered that when she was suggested to explore creating bucket lists and dreams and aspirations.   This piece so resonated with me - more so after having undergone cancer treatment and always living with the uncertainty of our precious life.  

The pandemic brought this further into our reality and often wondering when normalcy would begin again.   I have always created bucket lists - places I want to travel to, things I want to accomplish, and dreams and aspirations.   They have helped me try to set goals for myself and move towards that goal.   Post cancer treatment, you would think that my list would have started getting longer and longer - but surprisingly it didn't.  I found that my "wants" decreased and instead my focus was more on what life was presenting to me.  It was how and what I made out of life - rather than trying to accomplish a goal before a milestone.  That feeling of pressure of needing to complete the list was gone.  https://www.nytimes.com/2021/09/06/opinion/letters/bucket-list.html

What came instead was gratitude and amazement on abundance that I had been given which surprisingly stopped me from wanting more.  Katie Bowler says " The problem with aspirational lists, of course, is that they often skip the point entirely. Instead of helping us grapple with our finitude, they approximate infinity. They imply that with unlimited time and resources, we can do anything, be anyone. We can become more adventurous by jumping out of airplanes, more traveled by visiting every continent, or more cultured by reading the most famous books of all time. With the right list, we will never starve with the hunger of want."  She calls this "the anti-bucket list". and until now I had not been able to give a name to this technique- it was more a feeling and having read her works today's piece is about finding my anti bucket list.  

Below is the prompt that Katie Bowler provided: 

Make an anti-aspirational bucket list. Fill it with the things you’ve done, the places you’ve gone, the people you’ve loved, the moments that made your life feel full. Record whatever it is that makes you ache for more. 

My Anti Bucket List...

Looking far ahead at the future, I can't help think of the steps and stones getting me there...

Memories of my strongest influencers- parents, grandmothers, aunts - strong female voices showing me repeatedly again and again to be true to myself 

Showing me the power of faith through their devotion and through their story telling

Showing me unconditional love even though I didn't love myself as much

Cousins they say are our first friends and will always be our first true friends- 

late night talks, first crushes, travel buddies, and music brought us together 

Our bond strengthened because we promised to keep in touch - the power of letter writing

Memories with my father - going with him to work, traveling with him for work, watching his ways of interacting with people, being a witness to his compassion and wisdom, sharing his love of nature, and enjoying food - sumptuous food.  Long Drives, taking scenic routes, and learning the meaning of courage and strength from him

Cousins influenced the love of travel...we lived in different continents and thanks to our parents we saw each other often - fondest memories - Casablanca 1988, Torre Molinos, Spain, Ghana Reunion and India- 

Traditions continues as we got married and weddings allowed for us to get together....Rome, Barcelona, Mexico, Mumbai, Pune.....

Then there were pilgrimages that took me on a spiritual journey - time for self-inquiry, silence, and stillness.  Friendships formed, discipline instilled, and developing a personal relationship with the higher power.  All these gave me strength for where I am today.  

Friendships that are not bound by distance - that at any moment we pick up where we left off- friendships that last forever...

more moments of laughter with my better half - laughing till i can't control my tears, laughing because it is better to cry, laughing because it is healing....

and last but not least - being a witness to the the unfolding story of our son - from when he was a little boy to now a little man - and seeing him become a whole person - that I never want to stop being a part of - that I hope for more stories, more adventures, more teaching moments, more pure joy....

What is it that I ache for?  More moments of laughter, more moments of togetherness, more moments of stillness, more moments of seeing just how vast this universe is and the interconnectedness of it all.

What is your Anti Bucket list?  Try creating one based on the above prompt..

Happy Journaling!

 

Saris & Memories....

 I've often been asked the question - "what do I do when I don't know what to write about."  Prompts are wonderful ways of providing a que for writing, but often it is our senses, our memories that can take us back to a place and be just the right answer when we are stuck.   Something about summer can take us back to memories from childhood - it could be eating our favorite ice cream - it could be the smell of the ocean  - it could be the hot sweltering sun - any of those can take us back to memories that can be a great way to begin writing.  I read something the other day by Erika Veurink - titles "Getting Dressed."  Clothes have a way of taking us back, can make us feel powerful, sexy, too self-conscious, playful, and the list goes on.  This is a prompt from her essay which I would like to share:

This is my prompt:

Long flowing saris 

9 yards to be exact

when I was a little girl I would wrap myself up in a long flowing scarf

pretending that I was living in the country side by the water,

I would "play and pretend" to have earthen clay pots that I would put on top of my head and walk to the riverside to fetch water

The comfort of the material made me feel so warm and safe

It was almost freeing

I would watch my aunt every day drape her sari and watch with awe and amazement at how fast and perfect she did.  The pleats were perfect.  The "paloo" the part that drapes around the shoulder was not too long. And within seconds she was ready.  So fast.  And she would always finish it off with a red dot on her forehead.  This used to be the favorite time of my day.  

Saris were natural to her and maybe if I had continued to live in india they would have been to me too.  I have memories of my cousin wearing saris to work - elegant and beautiful so nicely draped...

Flash forward 15 years later and I find myself at an ashram with a group of girls to attend a summer course on indian culture and spirituality.  The uniform were saris.  From morning till we evening.  This was a feast for the eyes - silk, cotton, georgette, chiffon - and the colors were vibrant

orange, fushia, blue, baby pink, red, sea green

We had to be quick to get dressed - a comraderie of women together - such a powerful bond

Another memory - my cousin's wedding and so began the search for the perfect sari for many of us 

what would we wear?

There is an experience in sari shopping.  From entering the store, to being greeted by the salesperson, to be offered some chai and then to be led to a large display of materials.  The salesperson takes out one after another different types of saris - solids, prints, embroidery - and then he drapes it around himself, and then if you like it you - quite an experience....and when you find the right one - its like cinderella - it is perfect.  

The sari has taken me on a train ride, making stops  - exploring, reliving, and celebrating important moments in this thing that we call life!

What is your clothing memory?

Happy Journaling 

I surrender....

When life throws you lemons, make lemonade.  

I never knew what that really meant - my first instinct was when life throws you lemons- throw it right back - until i got it.  Make lemonade is an art - the right amount of lemons, the right amount of sugar, water - not too sour, not too sweet.  Squeezing out the lemons is like  squeezing our negative emotions - getting rid of it , so that we can enjoy that nice cool refreshing sip.  

That is how life is when we are put in situations that come unexpectedly.  We can either take the long road of fighting back, of projecting the future outcome, of becoming overwhelmed, of giving up and expecting the worse.  Especially when the "lemons" keep being thrown at you one after another.  How many of us want to react and hit right back when we are put in uncomfortable situations or unexpected situations. Life transitions, job transitions, medical issues, the list can go on - our first instinct is to react or be numb.  I for one am known for reacting - not responding.  And I made a decision a while back, that if this was what life is made out of - why not learn to respond mindfully.  

What does that involve?  It involves taking stock of the situation - seeing your role in it and responsibility and being in a position to open it up to a higher power or the universe to take over.   Whatever your spiritual belief system - there is a sense of security when you know that you are supported by the universe, God, Higher Power, spirit - whatever you want to name it.  And that has been my practice lately because it allows me to learn to let go of things that are beyond my control. It is an actual affirmation that I repeat to myself that I offer this to you and ask you take care of it - and guide me in the right manner with wisdom and compassion.   There is a pose in yoga called Child's Pose....which is the ultimate act of surrender....bowing your forehead to the ground and allowing your body to let go and simply relax....this pose has taught me to practice letting go....

The moment I do that, I feel light, because it is not my problem anymore and I have handed it over.  What does one do with the thoughts that keep surfacing or ruminating that is beyond one's control?  I practice deep breathing to center myself and I have also begun to physically remove myself from a situation - like go for a walk, or call a friend, or read a book, or cook something - to get my mind of the topic.  So my attention is on something else.   I have found that that period of inactivity - or activity actually has been helpful because ideas begin forming and it is as if there is the inner guidance that is showing me the way and the path.   

Learning to trust the inner guidance takes courage because often I have to do things that is out of my comfort zone -but like everything else it take practice and courage.  The more I do it the better I become at it.   

Journal Prompt:

When life throws me lemons I .......

You can use this in different ways -Make a list, write for five minutes nonstop ,or if you want to be creative write your own meme....

Happy Journaling!!

Owning your story

 Over the last couple of weeks I have been listening to Brene Brown's Podcast on Gifts of Imperfection with her sisters.  This is hard work, which requires honesty, vulnerability, courage and the willingness to be open to change.  What I have loved about it is the dynamic between the sisters and the connection they share.  A bond- a beautiful bond - very candid and raw.   As kids we are all exposed to some level of dysfunctionality within our family.   Some of us have high level trauma and many of us don't really spend the time as a family (as adults) to talk about it.   We deal with it in our own individual way or we totally shut it out.  These three sisters have taken the time to work on themselves and the trauma that impacted them as children into adulthood and are open about it.  It is so refreshing to see such honesty and authenticity.  It is an invitation to learn to accept our own worthiness with all our flaws and imperfections. And it has been the perfect piece to listen to at this point in my life.  

I am at a point in my life where i am continuously working to be myself - i see my flaws, but i don't want to lose myself.   I think the pandemic and lockdown allowed me to go deeper into that space without any judgment.   It has meant being vulnerable at work when the workload felt too much for me and my staff and I had to voice it.  It meant setting boundaries at home so that I could have me time.  It meant asking for help in the home because I am one person and I don't need to prove to myself that I can do it all.  You see my mother did it all - and on some level I want to prove to myself that I can be her - but I am not her - so I had to let go of that too. It meant saying no things I don't want to do anymore because it does enriching to my soul.   It is about choosing who I want to surround myself with and whom I don't.  It meant taking my exercise and lifestyle issues into my own hands and creating a routine for myself so I can feel good about myself physically- and it is because I finally want to - not because of what others want for me.   All of that is work, and it takes a lot of time. And then there is a the concept of play - allowing ourselves and giving ourselves permission to relax and play.  For some like myself - that is a very difficult thing to do - this strong work ethic that if I am not constantly busy I am not productive is ingrained in my head - and if i just allow myself to sit there is a sense of guilt that crops up in me ( well it used to) - I am getting better and better at it - The world today needs compassion - but compassion starts within us - if we cannot be compassionate with ourselves - how can we expect to do that with others.  We must start within us - so it can be a ripple effect to those around us.  We become more forgiving and more tolerant.   If you are interested in listening to this here is the link...https://brenebrown.com/unlockingus/

Journal Prompt: 

Read the quote below  and write about your story?  What is the story you want to own?  

Happy Journaling!!

Weekends

The end of the week 

Friday has come

time to close shop

time to recoup and recharge

Fridays are special 

Plans get made

a sense of relief 

a feeling of accomplishment on a job well done

for some it is how to put an end to the day's work

work never stops 

it can go on and on 

it is we who must stop 

and Friday is just that -create a separation between home and work 

Friday comes with a message that says "its me time"

catch up on sleep

some good movies

spend time outdoors

catch up with friends and family

Friday is taking a break from the routine 

The weekend is for a change in routine 

Friday o sweet Friday

I let out a deep exhale as the clock strikes 4:30 

my body starts to unwind

everything is lighter around me 

So grateful I am for the weekend

Happy Friday everyone!!!

Journal Prompt:  What does the weekend mean to you? How do you spend your weekend?  Do you look at it as a recharge so you can face the week ahead?  Or is it a weekend with to do lists? Take some time to reflect and write about it for 10 minutes non stop

Happy Journaling! 

The mountains are calling....

 

We took our first real vacation in over 18 months.  We played it safe for the first time.  We drove.  We were dropping off our son at a sleep away camp and I had all sorts of anxiety.   It was a process of learning how to trust and how to practice being safe.  The rational side knew that as long as he is vaccinated and wearing a mask in an indoor setting he should be okay - and he was.  But that is the nature of the human mind - it can't help but worry.   Where I live, people are still wearing masks indoors - driving through different states that was not the case.   Signs for shops and restaurants - wear a mask if ur are not vaccinated.  The honor system -that understanding that we are all in this together so lets practice social responsibility.   I respected that but have to admit was a little perturbed in the beginning.  

This is a vacation - i said to myself - i am going to enjoy it - I will not allow fear to control me.   You see i have been confined to my home for the most part so this was a big adventure for all of us.   Once we got over these issues we finally allowed ourselves to enjoy - to relax - and do what vacation is supposed to do for all of us - escape from reality.   

Our escape were the Blue Ridge Mountains and Shenondah Valley.  We were at a elevation of 3000 feet and it was absolutely breathtaking.  It was the first time we were so close to nature - and we couldn't take our eyes off the view and soaked in all that energy.   I am often reminded of John Muir who writes about the mountains.and spending time in nature. I chose one of his quotes and decided to do a writing prompt with it.  The quote reads:  "And into the forest I go to lose my mind and find my soul."   My prompt is 

I find my soul....

I find my soul as we gaze up high into the mountain peaks

it soars high just like the red tailed hawk gliding in circles 

a reminder of the ever circle of life

it expands just like the never ending trails of wooded forests

taking me on paths unknown 

catching my breathe, watching my step carefully as I 

climb high to a peak 

I don't know how much I can go up further

I push and I push with my might like the little engine that could because I want to see the end

the end that is a beautiful gift from the universe 

Majestic, Grand, Green Mountain - I come to gather the gifts you hold for us 

at 3000 feet, I have found escape from the hot sun

A nice cool breeze to wake me up 

Feeling so close to heaven 

all i have to do is extend my hand and grab the clouds who will take me up high

I find my soul up in the mountains

I find my self up in the mountains

Silence solitude and reverence for this magical gift to us humans

and immense humility as my small self stands before thy presence. 

Think a place that you recently visited and begin writing about it for 20 minutes non stop.  You can even begin with the prompt:  I Found my soul in...

Happy Journaling1 

What the children saw

 

What the children saw....

Over the last 18 months or so,  I can't help but reflect on what the kids have seen through these months.   I began reflecting on it more lately because my son was to write a speech for his 8th grade graduation.   And we were going down the list of things that made a permanent mark for him - example - the Australian fires -Kobe Bryant's death, Chadwick Boseman death, the end of a trump presidency - and then he said the word "COVID."  In between that George Floyd's murder and the rise of the Black Lives Matter movement -   It was an interesting exercise to go down memory lane with him - but definitely not the kind of memory lane that is normal.   Their last 18 months were either confined to a screen, family time and also being exposed to the numerous current events that continued to shape their young minds. 

It's just so much and I can't help but wonder how that gets processed in their brains.    Does it make a child to want to do more to change the world?  Or does it make them indifferent?  That - this is the way of the world and there is nothing we can do about it?  Or does it make them live in fear that something bad is going to happen?  I feel for these kids - b/c even though i had my share of current events while growing up - this is a slightly different.  This can seriously alter the way a child internalizes or externalizes the world around them.  I went to visit someone the other day - and her daughter who is 6 said to me "I have missed you".  Her mom said, " but u see her on facetime". and then her daughter said the most profound thing " But there is a difference with the human connection- and seeing someone live."  yes there is!!! She is so right and coming from a young one who spent 18 months in lockdown and on zoom classes because school was virtual.   

And then I think about the moms and dads who have little ones who are doing absolutely everything to entertain their kids so they are not glued to a device - from arts and crafts, to dance parties to playing dress up - and I give them kudos - because it is not easy.   

Children are resilient that is for sure- they survive and come out stronger -some better than others.  But we have an obligation to provide safety and a normal life for them as we come out of this pandemic.  We owe it to them since they are the ones that I feel have suffered the most.  I think about the ones that are living in silence and unable to call out for help - I think about the ones who were isolated and began having symptoms of anxiety and depression as a result of this pandemic - and then I think about the ones who decided that they are going to make the most of their time and do something creative or challenge themselves.   

I hope especially as summer has officially begun kids of all ages get to feel carefree, happy, and just get to be kids no matter what stage they are in their lives.  School will come again in the fall and they will go back to the daily grind - but hopefully this summer - they just get to play - like they used to before the pandemic.  

Journal Prompt:  What does it mean to play for you?  Write about playing in the sand.  Write about playing in water.  Or you can begin with the sentence "I play to .....

Happy Journaling!!

Switching Gears

 Last weekend was the beginning of what we would say is summer in the US.  It was a long weekend and a much needed long weekend considering that last summer we were in lockdown mode.  This year with mandates and indoor restrictions being lifted, we were all looking forward to our past beginning of summer celebrations.  For us it would be going to our swim club, for others by the beach, and then there are more who decided to travel and get that much needed break.  For those of us who decided to stay local, we were in for a surprise - it rained the whole weekend - and it was cold.  Luckily for me, I had signed up for a retreat online so I was able to use that time for personal growth and reflection.   It was almost as if the universe was saying - "Stay PUT" don't go anywhere just stay and be.  And instead of fighting it, I decided to just go along with it. How many of us are put in the situation when things just don't go as planned.  Actually much of life is just like that - it just doesn't go according to plan.   And so we have two choices - switch gears or get stuck.   For me I have chosen to stop feeling stuck in situations because a year of pandemic lockdown has given me way too much time to see how stuck I really am in some ways.  So i switch gears every time something doesn't go according to plan.   It has made my life so much easier and I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier.   

Switching gears I believe allows me to move forward - and feel in control of something even if I have no idea what the outcome is going to be.  I think I largely owe this to yoga - During the entire lockdown for the last 14 months or so - every morning my husband and I would start our day with a yoga class from Yoga International.  It became sort of a routine.   A routine we both knew saved our day because we had no idea what was going to land on us.   That was our saving grace.  It centered me, it taught me to look fear in the face rather than retreat and it allowed me to rest in moments of activity.   Who would think that you can actually come to a resting point in a flash of a second if you just learned to breath the right way?   And the power of how that same breath can save your day.   So every day we did that and if weather permitting every evening we went for a walk.   That was our activity.  It became our routine because we were forced to come up with something that would allow for some physical activity in our lives.   

So this past weekend when I woke up on Saturday morning and saw what the weather forecast was - I knew it was okay to  not do the things we normally would like to do on a long weekend.  With my retreat in hand, and knowing how physically tired I was feeling - this turned out to be a self-care weekend. A much needed self-care weekend.  

There are silver linings to this pandemic and one of them is teaching us to slow down, teaching us to be more flexible and teaching us to be more tolerant.   As my husband says jokingly - "we didn't get divorced by the end of this and thats a big deal."  Yes it is a big deal because we have seen the rates of divorces go up dramatically because of covid.  I was forced to find that one thing that would save me.   At that time it was yoga - not writing - but yoga, meditation and what we call "bhajans."  Bhajans are spiritual songs in hindi/sanskrit and the house was filled with bhajans during this lockdown.  They give me energy, inspiration and joy.  These three saved me - and even if my husband won't admit it - it saved him. 

So when things don't go the way you want - you have to find that one thing that will get you to center, that will give you the courage to switch gears, that will allow you to learn to accept without resistance.  So much fighting only creates more feud and at the end of the day its not worth it.  I found mine -And by finding mine - one year later, it has taken me on another journey.   I ask if you found yours.  If you did write about it.  Write about the process.  Write about the joy.  Write about the frustration.   Just write.   

And if you are stuck, here is a prompt:

What saved me was......

Happy Journaling!!!

 

Meditation Prompt

 Today's prompt is from author Suleika Jaouad, Isolation Journals https://theisolationjournals.substack.com/p/hand-on-my-tender-heart

The prompt reads:  Write a meditation that you can return to in your most difficult passages.   This is my meditation...

I am surrounded by love

I may not feel it

But I believe it 

I am surrounded by peace

I may not see it

But I believe it

I am surrounded by Light

Divine Light

In my moments of despair, in my moments of darkness - it is Your light that gives me comfort and courage

The light that reminds me that this too shall pass

The light that reminds me that I have been there before and look where I am now

The Light that shows me the compassion of others

The light that shows me mercy

The light that allows me to be grateful 

Let me always be surrounded by this Light 

so I never lose sight of the WAY and Purpose!

What is your meditation in times of despair?  Create one for yourself so it is something you can go to whenever you want. 

Happy Journaling!

Return to Normalcy

 

There is a sense of urgency all around me to return back to normal.  Schools are reopening, vaccines are being made eligible for kids ages 12-15, masks are no longer required in indoor settings or outdoor if you are fully vaccinated and in the state that I live in everything will be normal by may 19th.  Everyone except for me.  I'm not ready.  Yes I want my life back but I am not ready for everything to return back to normal just yet.  I somehow don't trust the system yet.  Is it really possible that we could be mask free?  Are we fooling ourselves into believing that the pandemic is over?  Or maybe its the other way around and this is just a tease.   We have been living for a year and a little extra in isolation, in our little bubble and just like that there is an expectation that we are just going to snap out of it and return to what it used to be.  That's like saying that I have a wound but refuse to see it.  How can we just turn a blind eye to the transformation that has happened to all of us? We have lost lives, we have changed our way of working, we have spent time in the confines of our homes in extremely close quarters with no space, some of us isolated,  we have juggled house work, office work, school work all in one and become pros at multitasking.  And while we yearn for all of that to go away in one way or the other we cannot just stop and pause on how this has changed us.  We have all changed in some way or the other.  For me I have come to value and treasure the non-stress environment that was my physical space of work.   I feel more in control within "my space" rather than in an office space.  How do I incorporate these changes in my "new normal."  I worry if work environments will allow for hybrid methods now that we are returning to normal.   Professions such as crisis intervention workers, social workers, teachers all of these had to take a step back during the pandemic and create methods that would enable for the virtual work to begin.  And we were surprised at how we succeeded.  Who realized that we could do our work effectively remotely?  It changes everything about our work and it changes everything for the families we work with.  Shouldn't we as a profession look at lessons learned and see if we can incorporate those lessons rather than going back to old ways?  

When i hear news that indoor dining restrictions will be removed, masks are not needed indoors if u are vaccinated - I worry.  We must learn from the past so we don't repeat it.  Yes we have been cooped up and so much frustration on many levels - but in these we have found lessons of courage, of hope, and of resilience.   We have all grieved in some form as a result of this pandemic.  And how does one every get over grief?  It stays with you and forever transforms you - we never forget no matter how much we may try.  And so when I hear about all this reopening, it feels very rushed to me.  And maybe it is my issues that need to be sorted out so that I feel fully comfortable in returning to normal. Maybe because since last year there has been no breaks - we have kept on going and going and going - I want to be able to pause.  Pause not for a minute, but for longer than that - pause so that my actions will be based on the quality of life I want for myself.  Pause so that my decisions will be wise and sound.   Pause to see if this is true and if it will last.  I want to believe with all my heart is over.  But I don't want to fool myself.  I want to believe that my days of traveling are near - but not at the cost of risking our lives.  The trauma of this pandemic is real.  It has scarred each of us in ways beyond words.  It is time to heal.  Each of us need the time to heal.  That is what returning to normal is - finding healing to create pathways for normalcy.  

Journal Prompt:   What does normalcy look like to you after the pandemic? What are some things that you look forward to?  What are some things that you will miss?  

Write for five minutes non stop.  

Happy Journaling!

Full Bloom

Over the last couple of weeks I have been watching in amazement as spring comes to full bloom. It starts of with tiny buds, and every morning little by little a little more green is splashed onto the canvas. Till one morning you wake up and everything around you is in full bloom.  I feel like I am watching a Monet painting coming alive.  When I wake up, as I look out the window, I wonder what part of the painting will be in color - The trees have their leaves back on their branches, the flowers are opening up in full colors and the birds - oh the birds are they so ever happy.  Every morning I am greeted by their calls - I believe in this season the birds are my alarm clock.  I hear them but i don't see them.  They fly so fast hidden in their nest or up high on a tree in between the branches but they bring a certain sense of lightness to the day.   If I am having a busy day and have not had time to pause, the birds bring me back to center.  Their tweeting and chirping calling out to me to just pause and look outside. Observe the beauty and take it all in.   I take it in so I can feel one with the natural world.  It brings me a sense of balance.  The sky takes on a new look in this season too.  Sometimes it is is full blue without a trace of clouds, and sometimes its dark with the  sun trying to peak out, and then at times it is just a puffed up cloud day.  Each moment takes me back to a memory from my past.  A sky filled with clouds takes me back to when I was a child and we would play the game "guess what shape am I."   The song "puff the magic dragon" comes into my head and I begin humming it as I begin the game.  I see a heart, something that looks like a bird, a big cotton ball...and as I look up at the sky surrounded by large and tall oak trees, I remember the book I used to read as a child  " Jack and the magic beanstalk."  Always wondering if could really reach up and grab something from the sky.... I am transported to a memory from my childhood with me and my sister running around in our backyard in Ghana, on the swings and plucking hibiscus from the garden surrounded by lush fan like trees.  Did you know that if you blow into the hollow stem of the hibiscus flower that it makes a whistle sound?  Nature transports you to moments in your life and in the last couple of weeks that's exactly what has happened.   I am remembering pieces of my childhood and I realize that each moment from the past has been a stepping stone that has shaped my connection with nature.  The sound of water from a nearby brook, the shades of greens around me, the sky as it seeks to bid goodnight to the sun, and the moonlight as it lights up the dark sky.  A treasured piece of art that is there for you over and over again amidst the chaos and pain in this world.   It is there that we can find comfort, peace, silence and stillness knowing that it never leaves you.  It is with you whenever you need it.  All you have to do is call out, look out and embrace it.  

Journal Prompt:

Think of a moment in your childhood that you would like to write about that takes you back to nature.  For example Begin writing with one of the following prompts:

- Seashells

- Summer nights

-Tulips

Happy Journaling!

Cherry Blossom

 Cherry Blossoms full bloom everywhere

hues of pink, white and fuchsia

a feast for my eyes 

almost like a warm welcome to brighter days

babies, brides, lovers flock to see your beauty

holding onto branches, feeling the softness of your petals

clicking pictures left and right so as to capture the memory

laughter, giggles, oohs and aahs are sounds I hear 

of everyone coming out to see your majestic presence

Your arrival sends an energy into the air that is lighter

Bird sounds chirping to wake us up way before the sun rises

And to bid us good nite as the sun sets

There is a celebration all around 

An appreciation for earth's bounty

letting us remember the promise of hope

Though your beauty is short lived

it creates an imprint in our minds 

to be love in action

and Simply just to BE!

Journal Prompt:

Today is Earth Day! Write a poem in honor of Earth Day.  What can we learn from mother earth?

Happy Journaling! 

Glorious Sun

Each season brings its own set of beauty and we can take inspiration from nature through each season.   Spring is officially surrounding us and we see its beauty in so many different ways.  For me the sun is special because its warmth brings me alive and gives me energy.  The birds chirping in the early hours of the morning is another sign of spring.  It is almost as if they are calling out to us to get along on our day just like they do -and make the most of the day.  I could sit for hours just listening to the birds chirping. I wonder what are they saying to each other?  Is it a birds song just for us?  Every morning, the first thing I do when I wake up is look outside my window to see what kind of sunrise there will be for me today.  I wake up saying "good morning sun and good morning world".  This is my journaling piece on the Sun as we move into spring.... 

Glorious Sun shining down on me

A burst of energy

Winter holding us captive 

keeping us in hibernation

You bring a sense of release

Your rays spread like a sunflower 

bursts of yellow everywhere

birds singing your glory

so they too can come out and enjoy your warmth

glorious sun pouring your light on my head

no more heaviness 

just delightedness

no more lethargy

just movement

no more feeling cold

just feeling warmth

Glorious Sun you bring life to the flowers, to the trees, to the plants

As you awake, so too do the buds of the leaves begin to form

As you awake, even the streams and waterfalls take on a new form

when I wake up you greet me

you spoil me with your sun rise

sometimes pink, sometimes orange, sometimes hints of purple

Glorious sun, immense gratitude for ur divine energy

u peak through the clouds showing a glimpse of what you are

but when we see you in your full glory 

we are in awe of your being

Stay with me so I can share your light with others

Glorious Sun I welcome you to spring! 

Journal Prompt:  Look out the window or your patio or your front door - what do you see that stands out to you in the spring?  Is it a bed of flowers?  Is it the cherry blossoms?  Pick something and write about it - let if flow in poem form or let it flow in prose.  Take inspiration from nature....

Happy Journaling!!

Spread Love

Today is Holi, the festival of colors and the welcoming of spring in the Hindu Tradition.  It is a day that we have fun with our families and friends by throwing colors and water balloons filled with colored water  on each other. It is a day of fun and frolic - it is a day of pure joy and love.  This holiday is about forgiveness, love, and friendship with one another.  There is alot of dance and music.    The splashing of the color - symbolizes that you are providing your friends and family a promise of being truthful towards them always, maintaining a life of long brotherhood and sisterhood with them and showers them with all the possible love.  How beautiful is that?  Something that is much needed in this world where we have seen in the last couple of weeks of  horrible shootings and anti-asian hate attacks.  We desperately need to bring back love to our society.  And it starts with each one of us.  The Pandemic did something to us as a society - it awakened in us a source of compassion for our neighbors, for strangers, for the whole world because we were all suffering together.   Yet when things to slightly go back to normal, or things start to open up, we go back to our old ways and begin to create drama and instill feelings of hate, anger, jealousy, hurt, etc in us.  This festival pushes us to go beyond that - it pushes us to reach out to all people regardless of race/religion/caste/creed.  We are different but within us is the same light and love inside all of us that needs to come out.   We need to work together as a society to recognize our differences and be more accepting of each other.  More tolerance, less discrimination.   Even though I am not out there throwing colors because of the pandemic, I can still practice the values that this festival teaches us.   Love - Love - Love-There is a phrase - "Dye me with the color of Thy Love."  When we sprinkle each other with love- it only grows - it doesn't shrink.  And this is the beauty of this festival.  So on this day, I wish each of you a Happy Holi!

Journal Prompt:  How can I add more color to my life?  Make a list!  

 

Lockdown

Lockdown 

A year ago today schools shut, offices shut, governments shut.

We all in a blink of an eye were forced to lock ourselves in our homes 

We were doing this for a reason

To keep ourselves safe 

To keep our neighbors safe

To keep our families safe

The streets were empty

We entered a virtual world not knowing how long this would last

The whole world was in this together

We counted the weeks, but weeks soon became months

Spring came 

Summer came

Fall came

Holidays, Birthdays, Festivals were all being celebrated virtually

We had learned to be resilient 

Birthday Drive by’s

Get Togethers with friends over zoom

Family Reunions 

Vacations were limited to day trips

Watching  Sunsets and Sunrises gave great joy

Spending time outdoors was the new normal

Restaurants shut

Shops shut

Lines were never ending at the supermarkets

A shortage of toilet paper and lysol wipes

Then came this thing called a mask

I couldn't breathe with it

I felt suffocated 

When was this going to end?

It felt surreal

The numbers kept increasing

People were dying 

Our essential workers became our heroes 

A new sort of humanity was coming about

Humans helping each other out 

Their pain became our pain

Yet we found a way to share and care

Cheering our heroes 

Sharing uplifting stories with one another was a way to cope

We were confined to the walls of our homes 

Life has not been the same since

Nor will it ever be 

We are not who we were when this first started

Our days are flying and the months keep getting shorter

Wondering how is time flying?

Yet I have found a routine in this new world

I hold onto the things that ground me and kept me through this pandemic - nature walks, yoga, meditation, prayer, family, food, and Netflix 

The simple things in life is what really matters

A year ago today there was fear and shock and grief

Today we grieve for those that have left us, we grieve for the lives we used to have, we grieve for a sense of normalcy.

And yet we are strangely beginning to feel a sense of hope

Hope that this too shall pass 

Hope because we have survived this

Hope because there is a vaccine

Hope because we won’t give up

A Year ago today there was no sign of light

Today we are the light! 

Today we give thanks for being alive and working our way through this pandemic

Today we pat ourselves on our back for surviving this 

Today we remember and remind ourselves of the importance of safety precautions

Today we breathe a little easier hoping for a better tomorrow

Journal Prompt:  A year ago today......

The Sum of what I am

 My Centering Thought this morning on International Women's Day......

I am all of it and much more

I contain within me the vastness of this universe

I contain the full sum of it

I am my grandmother's voices, my aunts and my sisters

I am all of it and so much more

I am compassion, fierceness and justice all in one

I am ruthless, fearless and kindness too

I am Divine principle, energy and movement

I am solitude, grounded and serene

I go where my heart leads

I voice what my heart speaks

I am intuition, grace and freedom 

I am peace! 

I am my own true healer

I am Woman, all of it and much more! 

Journal Prompt:  Today is International Women's Day.  Use this day to celebrate yourself.   Begin with the line,  " I am, or I  Will or I can....and see what comes up.   

What you see is What you Get

I am all of the above. I am my gifts and my strengths and my light. I am also my weaknesses and my liabilities. I am my darkness and I'm not ashamed of an ounce of it. What you see is what you get - Parker Palmer-

I was reading a conversation between Rabbi Ariel Burger and Parker Palmer.  Both have written books on suffering, healing and joy.  The above quote I felt was so powerful.  Embracing yourself exactly as you are is a process.  It is an ever evolving journey.  How can we look at ourselves and not be ashamed of the light and dark within us? It takes courage and vulnerability to see ourselves exactly as we are.  Sometimes seeing the dark can lead to a state of depression.  The suffering we feel can make us become brittle, angry and cynical.   Years of shame and doubt have been embedded in our psyche and we don't know what to do with.  

A helping hand that you can lean on across the way is often the gateway to even look at your darkness.  The hand could be in the form of a spiritual teacher, a therapist, an energy worker, a personal trainer,  a friend.  That hand is non-judgmental, ever loving and a supportive person.  It allows you to face the negative and make small steps to get to the other side.  But our darkness never goes away.  What we learn to do is manage it, and with the help of someone,  find tools to keep it from shutting down.   

We all have experienced suffering in some form or the other.  How does it affect us?  What do we do with that suffering?  Do we use that as a blessing knowing that it can have the potential to heal another.  

Take for example, my experience as as breast cancer survivor.  It was a form of physical suffering in terms of what the body goes through - but it was also a time of really looking at my darkness and accepting it.  Whether it was eating habits, or lack of exercise, or not knowing how to say no - all of these takes honesty and vulnerability to admit "I need help."  

And Help is not bad.  It puts you in contact with others who have gone through similar situations and provides you with that extra support to embrace yourself.   And now that I am okay with the "all of me" - how can I be a source of support to someone else who may need that.  

Imagine a world if it was filled with that kind of healing - and we use it as a blessing.  How wonderful would that be?   

Journaling Prompt:   Begin with "What you see is What you get" - and write for 2-5 minutes.   

Happy Journaling!

Healing - A Work in Progress

Writing is like exercising. The more you do it, the stronger you are with flexibility, with muscle development and endurance. But if you stop, then it takes everything from you to get back into the game. I believe something like this happened to me. I haven't written in the last four years. Every time I try to pinpoint why, I can't find an answer. I find excuses- not enough time, too tired, too much work, and then at the final excuse is "who am I doing this for." For myself or to get some type of feedback. These excuses are all valid. Work consumed me, stress got the best of me, and then I got sick. I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in fall of 2018. This is when everything came tumbling down. Questions of "how" and "why" and focusing on treatment was the priority. Writing was at the bottom of my list. I felt like a hypocrite because I knew that writing is a way to healing -and I have written about it but this time - it was an intentional resistance. I refused to engage. 

 

The blogs stopped and I had some serious soul work and searching to do. My treatment came first. Then came serious quality of life decisions that would change how I live my life. When I did pick up my pen, the journal entries would focus on gratitude for being alive and cancer free. I would journal but more for self- analysis resolving old wounds.  It was my private time - time for me to really heal. It has been two years that I am cancer free and not a day goes by that I am not conscious of impermanent life is. And with Covid, the reality was greater. Life can be snatched at any second.  It brought that reality to the surface.  And what is the result - you either retreat or move forward.   

 My healing these past couple of years came from other sources - and I was okay with it. Writing wasn't the way for me at that time, but instead it was movement. As humans we hold so many emotions in our body - and how conscious are we of them? During my cancer treatment, I had to focus on release of emotions - such as fear, anger, shame, regret, and loss.  I found that no matter how much I wrote, it did not give me the same kind of release that I needed.  I found joy in yoga and I found release. I learned to let go and be fluid. It taught me to be comfortable with my body - something that I have struggled with all my life. It taught me acceptance. The other form of healing came through nature. Walking in nature left me feeling refreshed and renewed. The very act of walking by having your feet touch the ground and your arms move up and down was a form of letting go. Cold crisp air, solid giant trees, the sounds of the birds, the sun shining down all let to a sense of wonder. Every time I went on a walk, it was like a ritual. It involved choosing different spots where I could walk. It would involve challenging myself to walk in areas that were difficult to do (climbing up hill) and I would always come out of there feeling refreshed and renewed. I began an obsession with sunrises and sunsets. I loved watching the sun set - and seeing the colors that covered through the sky. It was watching the beauty of grace unfold before you.   What a wonderful thing Grace is when you see it scatter in various aspects of your life.  And last but not least meditation. Meditation took me inward so I could be strong to face the day ahead with poise.  Healing never stops.  

And then something happened in 2020.  We all were struck by the pandemic.    This pandemic has created something in each of us that will take a long time for all of us to heal. Lockdowns meant that I could only do walks that were in my close by vicinity. My outside trips, like many, have been limited to the grocery shops and my close by family. Like many our household has been completely remote for the last couple of months. It has been difficult to tell the difference between days at times. Cooking is our new past time. And although I hear about how wonderful of a time it is to begin a new hobby, I am honestly exhausted to even try anything. We are working but in a different way - from the confines of our home - where boundaries have to be set, expectations that have to be met at work, and rest and renewal in the beginning seemed impossible. Having come into a year into this pandemic (it will be a year March 16th) I can truly say that all those modalities that I undertook during my cancer treatment came in handy.  This pandemic has made everyone a mixed bag of emotions.  The constant information that we were being bombarded with in the news was overwhelming and we needed to each find our own ways to work this this world trauma.  And writing was not one of the ways - because it was too overwhelming to write about the feelings.  Sometimes words doesn't do it justice.  And you need to release those feelings in other forms.  

And so here I am writing after the last couple of years - hoping to continue to write some more - from a survivor perspective.  Whether we suffer a personal loss, or like the pandemic we have all suffered some type of loss - and it takes courage, strength and perseverance and resiliency to come out alive through it all.  We are all survivors of some kind and in some way we have all held onto to some type of hope - because hope is what gives us the courage to move through the process. 

A writing prompt to help close this...

I have lost ......

I have survived .....

Happy Journaling!!