Raw Emotions...

Emotional Flooding -a term often used by psychotherapists where raw emotions are triggered and the person if filled with out of control stressful feelings and thoughts.  This is precipitated by something negative that has happened when one feels out of control and feels almost helpless.   These raw emotions range from anger, shame, pain, guilt, deep sadness and can result in destructive behaviors and lapse judgment.  A past event can trigger the emotions, a current event can trigger these emotions.  

Raw emotions can leave you feeling very vulnerable. Raw emotions can make words come out of you that didn't know existed. Raw emotions can ruin your sleep patterns.  Raw emotions can make you very defensive. Raw emotions can make you extremely overprotective. We don't even know when we are feeling what we are feeling.  

We all at some point in our lives experienced these sort of emotions.  What do we do when we have been in those situations? Do we suppress them fully so that we don't allow ourselves to feel any of the pain, the loss, the fear, the anger, the resentment?  Or do we sit with all these feelings one by one as if we are moving from one passageway to the other?  In my past life i intellectualized everything, i rationalized everything so I didn't have to feel anything.  I didn't want to feel - b/c feeling meant I had to deal with things and I just didn't want to deal.  Over the years things have shifted perspective for me and I have begun to give myself permission to feel - the good, the bad and the ugly.   To feel is a good thing - but to get stuck in the feeling that is problematic.  So when I find myself reacting to a situation I use that awareness to go inside to explore the feeling I am experiencing.  Where does that feeling stem from? What in my life has  got me so worked up about this?  And where am I feeling out of control?  

Feeling these emotions is no joke- but surprisingly by feeling them with awareness, it can also be liberating.  I have taken it out of my system and i can just let it go into the air like a balloon. I spend alot of time with my son talking about his feelings that he gets so mad at me sometimes- saying - mom i don't want to talk - and for me the answer is talking is good- its important- u get things out of your system and you find better ways of coping.  Sometimes we don' t know what to do with our feelings - and we don't even know what we are feeling and we just are frozen.  That is what we need to tune into -so we can be better at recognizing our emotions.  

What helps me?  mindfulness, breathing movement-walking - drinking water- all of this has helped in tapping into what  i am feeling and processing that.

In the world today we are constantly being bombarded with news of heartbreak, war, shootings, poverty, etc plus we have our own individual lives that are out of control and our loved ones either sick, depressed, or experiencing trauma -  So what  helps you?  How do you deal with your emotions?  

I often say this to myself - "this too shall pass."   Today I discovered an artist who has created a beautiful picture book that speaks to emotions that we all have as humans called The Boy The Mole The Fox and The Horse https://www.charliemackesy.com/#the-book and  it simply spoke to me.  Pick one of these illustrations just write nonstop for 5-10 minutes non stop.   

https://www.

.com/charliemackesy/?hl=en

Happy Journaling!

Sea Green moments....

The Pull...

 

I feel myself being pulled to the sea as we walk toward the beach

It almost speaks a language that can only be understood between us

come come to me it says 

the mind starts to get in the way - its too cold, or maybe the waves will be too strong

but this time I don't care

I have been waiting for a long time for this - this is perfect, the waves are low and not rough 

the long winter days have made my body stiff, and my bones hurt.. and this is the perfect remedy

So without wasting any time, I drop all my belongings and walk toward the water.

The sand is soft, white, and clean.  

There is a nice breeze

The sun is strong and shining - my bones feel good to get the warmth of the sun on them

The waves come to the shore and my feet feel the coolness of the water against my skin

oooh, that feels good...

I walk in slowly knowing that at any point, I can be standing on the bed and next minute not feel anything underneath my feet...

I simply allow myself to get welcomed by gentle waves

and there I am in this vast pool of a sea

Sea that when I look down, I can see clearly the algae, and the bed of the sea

A color my eyes just cannot stop getting enough of - that crystal clear turquoise blue  almost sea green 

who created you? I wonder...how can you be so gentle and so scary at the same time 

Today you are calm serene and you are inviting me to swim deeper and deeper into you

yesterday you were scary because I thought the waves were going to take me away

but yet I felt I wanted more of you...I wanted to feel your full energy 

Call me crazy, but your energy is the only thing that can heal me 

and I take it all in bit by bit 

so that whenever I am away from you, all I have to do is close my eyes and voila I am transported back. 

Journal Prompt:

Vacations bring rest and calm back to you - but when you get back to your routine it is easy to get caught up and it almost feels like we didn't even go there - so how do we capture that moment or what can we do to get replenished when we are feeling depleted.   I wanted to have that feeling linger on for a while so I did a writing prompt about it.  Think of something, someone, an experience that you don't want to forget because of how it made you feel - you felt invigorated, you felt light, you felt inspired.  Close your eyes and go back to that scene - then write about it for 10 minutes nonstop. When you are done, close your notebook and keep it away.  The next time you feel depleted, go back to that page and read it. 

Happy Journaling! 

Comporda

 If I had to pick one of my most happiest times of my life it would be last weekend - 7 of my cousins including my sister flew from different parts of the world and met in a remote place-quaint resort outside lisbon.  We talked a lot, laughed a lot - not one tear, ate well, and walked a lot.  From being cooped up during the pandemic for two years to being in open fresh air surrounded by rice fields, birds of all different kinds, the sound of the ocean, and soft sand, it felt a little like heaven.  Family no matter how different we are from each other, is still family - and that what makes this trip so special.  We haven't seen some of us in years, but we picked back where we left of - and it was truly beautiful to see.  I was not worried about the dynamics because I knew it would be okay, but I knew there were some of us that wondered how it would go and if all would go well, and it did.  We can see each other and amidst the peculiarities and quirkiness and be okay with one another.  It is such a beautiful thing.   These are cousins we saw growing up so there is a connection from childhood.  But those couple of days, age didn't matter- I still felt like I was back in one of our old family vacations from our childhood- only this time we were the adults.  It reminded me of how I used to watch my parents with their cousins and siblings and stay up and laugh and laugh with one another- and I would say to myself "I want that."  I feel lucky to have that and the whole experience was like a dream. 

There was one particular experience during this trip that will always remain with me.  For those of you who know me I am not the most physically active person.  I love my walks but nothing rugged or challenging per say.  So on our last day, we decided we would go for a walk on on a path by the rice fields.  The hotel said it is a nice easy walk and apparently there is a way to get to the beach.   I was excited to do so - but little did any of us know what was in store for us.  My sister rented a bike and so did my cousin - and off we embarked on our walk.   This was the walk that never ended.  And not one of us brought a water bottle.  One of my cousins who is extremely organized brought sunscreen -we didn't think we were going to need it but the sun came out to greet us and boy was it nice and hot.  We walked and walked thinking our destination was near, but every time we thought we were getting close we were no where near our destination.  To top it off, some of us had taken another way only to find out it was a wrong way so we had to walk back and continue on our path.  I can get grumpy when I don't know where I am going and annoyed -but i didn't - and we just kept going - until we came to the path that would take us to the beach.  Only it wasn't what I was expecting.  We had to climb uphill on sand dunes and go down a path to get to the beach.  At one point I didn't know if I could do it - but I had encouragement from my cousins and they even found me the perfect bamboo stick to use for balance in case I feel unstable - and we did it.  We reached the beach and boy was it a sight to see - the point being that in the company of those that love you and you love, even the unthinkable can happen - and I had good support.  To top it off we had to walk the whole thing back - so you can only imagine how tired we were.  But it was definitely worth it. 

When I was younger I used to look forward to our summer vacations because I knew I would get to see my cousins - and those were some of my most favorite happy moments.  As we got older, it was weddings or funerals that brought us together - the work life, and other responsibilities took over and we just didn't make the time to meet - it was only if we made a trip to a a city they lived in or vice versa that we could meet.  But its not the same- its not the same because as kids- it was just us- us bonding and talking and laughing and just being ourselves with no frills or care in the world.  And that's what this weekend was for me - transporting me back to the time when we had our summer vacations and felt free again.  for that one split second we were all just in the moment with each other - not on our phones, not on our laptops no distractions -like the old days- music playing in the background ( music was big growing up for us) and we had a nice variety of music that was played this weekend.   And set the intention that hopefully we wont' have to wait a lifetime to have more moments like these.  

Journal Prompt:

Go to your happy place as a child.  where were you? Who were you with?  What are the colors you remember? Scents? Is there a particular memory that comes to you - write about it as if you are reliving it.  Allow yourself to get transported back to that time.  Write for as long as you can.   

Happy Journaling! 

50 years!

Tomorrow I turn 50.  As I look back on my life, I cannot believe that I have made it to this age.  Like Thich Nhat Hanh says, "Everything is possible because I am alive."  So today more than ever I feel immense gratitude for the precious gift called life.  Does it mean that this life has been a glorious easy ride? Not at all - and to quote : "most of life is hell, it is filled with failure and loss. People disappoint you, dreams don't work out, hearts get broken, and the best moments of life when everything comes together are few and fleeting, but you will never get to the next great moment if you don't keep going, so keep going."  

I think that sums up my life.  I have kept on going through all the trials and tribulations that the universe has thrown at me. I have seen dreams not come true, and instead of beating myself up about it, I hold my head up high and move upward to perhaps a new dream.  I have seen and felt deep deep loss in this lifetime - and despite that loss, I still have the energy to wake up and face the day.  Every single moment in this lifetime has been a turning point in the development of myself.  If I had to describe what it is that this life time has brought me it is this:

- to forgive over and over again

-to be compassionate 

-to let my voice be heard 

-to know that the phrase "this to shall pass". really means that - it will pass - you just have to play your part and it will pass

- to learn to pick my battles- b/c drama is wasted energy

- to be able to say no and be totally okay with it - 

- to learn to set boundaries 

- to become my own advocate and not looking at the outside world to be my advocate 

-to be my own cheerleader- it took me so long to get to that - always looking outside of myself for that when it is always inside. 

- to allow myself to be loved unconditionally and accept that love fully- in all my flaws and craziness- but knowing that I am loved just the way I am. 

-to be comfortable in my body -

- to have utmost faith in God/Higher Power in every step that I have taken - 

- to be able to make the same food that I grew up on from my mom and my grandmother

- if i don't make mistakes how will I break the habit?  

that patterns are created and i must recognize the patterns so they don't repeat themselves and pass down generationally.  

Trauma is real!

-to realize that if I "don't ask", I may never know the answer and so always ask.  The worse that they can say is NO.  

So as I reflect on this - I know I will take this wisdom to help me in the next stage of my life - post pandemic with all the challenges and craziness that awaits us as I prepare to move back to in person work. I will use this wisdom to make decisions so that I can live life on my terms.  Happy Birthday to me! 

Journal Prompt:

Write a letter to your younger self in a particular time period. How old were you? Where were you at that time and go into detail about the environment.  Write about the smell, the colors, the place - let the memory take you places that you allow yourself to.  

Happy Journaling!

-

 

Mindful Writing

 About a week ago, I participated in a 5 day mindfulness and journaling challenge where I would receive a daily audio recording and a journaling prompt.  I haven't done one of these in a while, so it was the perfect opportunity to start.  Keeping a practice of writing takes effort and I have over the years gone back and forth on it - usually the prompts are self-guided -either by reading something or just free form of writing. This challenge was different because the facilitator provided us with breathing prompts, mindfulness prompts and poetry prompts.  It was timed for no more than 15-20 minutes and I made a deliberate effort to carve time in for the day.  Something I don't do regularly - as much as I would like to.  We all know the importance of connecting with our breath, of setting intentions and just being in the moment.  But actively making the decision to quiet the mind, to do some breathing exercises before journaling made the experience all the more enjoyable.  I found myself more playful with my words, the writing was lighter at times, sometimes the prompts led to a poetry type journal entry format , and really enjoying the process.  And for 20 minutes I found myself coming out of a retreat setting rejuvenated.  

How do I keep it going?  Unless I pay into the program and have unlimited access to the journaling recordings- I don't know if it is sustainable for me.  But for what its worth - it has helped me tap into another form of journaling which I find extremely therapeutic.  At least once a week, I can try to carve time out for a mindful journaling experience so that I am allowing myself to experiment with different writing forms, and also to quieten the mind and ground myself.  Over the last couple of years with remote work, I have found that because I have been multi-tasking more than ever working virtually- the mind is never at rest - I may think it is- but it is constantly going.  I notice it when I am meditating and paying attention to the ways of the mind -it never ceases to amaze me to see how I am constantly thinking.  I am supposed to just be silent - why is that not happening? The need for silence is there -yet when I have it my mind is a mile a minute.  I think it has gotten worse over the last two years - which is all the more reason to focus on mindfulness.  To pay attention to my breath -what comes in and what goes out - and allow that to be my anchor.  Even when writing to let the breath be the anchor so as not to let my mind wander - so focusing on the process of writing rather than letting the mind divert into different things while writing.  And there you see the true connection between body and mind.  

Thich Nhat Han focused on walking meditation as a mindfulness practice. Each step is a way of connecting with the earth.  Breathing in you connect with the earth, breathing out you connect with the earth.  Walking in mindfulness is a process of connecting us with the earth.  We like to think of walks as brisk and cardio oriented - but these walks are for the soul - so that this suffering can stop.  It is another form of mindfulness.  I leave you with this poem By Thich Nhat Han as a writing prompt. Say the poem out loud,  I urge you to focus on your breath before beginning and then allow the writing to flow:

Take my hand.
We will walk.
We will only walk.
We will enjoy our walk
without thinking of arriving anywhere.
Walk peacefully.
Walk happily.
Our walk is a peace walk.
Our walk is a happiness walk.
Then we learn
that there is no peace walk;
that peace is the walk;
that there is no happiness walk;
that happiness is the walk.
We walk for ourselves.
We walk for everyone
always hand in hand.
Walk and touch peace every moment.
Walk and touch happiness every moment.
Each step brings a fresh breeze.
Each step makes a flower bloom under our feet.
Kiss the Earth with your feet.
Print on Earth your love and happiness.
Earth will be safe
when we feel in us enough safety. 

Writing Prompt:  Think about walking - and write about waking - where do you walk to? with whom? 

Some words to help you:  Happiness, Walk, Earth, Safety, Learn, Peace

Happy Journaling!

How Do I love thee?

 It's the day of LOVE in all its truest forms.  Think about the ways in which we love and how much we love and who we love.  We love our partners, we love our parents, we love our kids, we love our siblings, we love our cousins, we love our family, and we love our friends. Love is the source of energy that makes us want to live more. It is expansive and brings out the best in ourselves and in others.  I still remember one of the first gifts I received from my aunt and it was a framed quote by Juliette Drouet in Les Miserables which read:

And that's what Love is.  We love just because.  We cannot imagine our lives without the ones we have loved living or deceased. We love passionately, devotedly, piously, unconditionally, fiercely and gently. 
Love is a feeling, and the feeling is so vast that we cannot contain it - we want to spread it.  If we made a list of all our loves, what would it look like?  In all its different forms?  Mine would be a long list . Each in their own way have shown me how to love a little more deeper  and a little more stronger...and where would I be without this very long list.  I like to think of love as a mirror - we sometimes wonder how we could be loved so much - what do they see in me that I don't see? Love allows us to be the best version of ourselves - and Love teaches us to love ourselves a little more.  In my life, I have learned that one can't truly love if one doesn't learn to love themselves fully.  Loving oneself without judgement and with acceptance in all its flaws and glory. Think of our partners, our parents, our kids - we love so fiercely and yet they do are flawed -but yet we love...so why not for us? Why not love ourselves a little more.  

So today - love yourself- love your faults, love your weaknesses, love your strengths- love all of you - because when you do - then u can truly learn to love those close to u fully.  

Today's prompt is:  

How do I love thee?  You have two options - u can choose to write a love note to yourself or you can write about the love of your life (whoever that may be). 

I love thee with ........

(Write for five minutes non-stop)

OR 

Pick one of your favorite love poems and begin journaling with the first sentence of the poem or the last sentence of the poem.....

Happy Journaling! 

 

Decisions Decisions Decisions

 Decisions decisions decisions - how do we as humans come to make them? what goes into making a decision? Some of us are wise enough to look at our wants and needs first and that helps them make a decision.  Others want to make sure everyone's opinion is valued and that's how they come to a decision.  It is a combination of our emotional and intellectual faculties that allow us to be able to say out loud the decision we have made.  But it is a process to get there.  There are so many of us that may not know what we want - more so because it is clouded by our loved one's opinions- we want to make them happy too and so we subconsciously operate in that manner.  

There are so many times when I have heard the words "you do what you want."  But its not that easy to do what you want.  Maybe when I was younger it was easy to make decisions impulsively because i wasn't responsible for anyone - but the last 20 years or so circumstances have changed - so asking myself what "I" want really takes a lot of digging.  I have to really work though my mind that if I verbalize what I want -that I am not being selfish - that its okay to say what I want - and those around you will understand.  They may not agree but they will understand.  And there will be those who will not understand and not forgive you because of ur decision.  How do u live with that?  

Everything we do has a reaction -it is how we respond to it.  This past week, for the first time in a very long time, I really had to take some time and make a decision - it was not a life changing decision or anything like that - but I write about it because of how hard it was for me to really visualize what "I want."  I just couldn't because I wasn't thinking about me and my wants, I was thinking about "us and our wants/desires."  Sometimes we want it all - and that too can be difficult - because having it all doesn't always mean that its actually what "I" want.   Sometimes having it all can simply just be because you are a all about keeping the peace and making sure everyone is happy.  And then you let go entirely of  what is going to make you happy for the higher good.  I realize I do that alot - and so when anyone asks me what I want - i have a very difficult time answering that question.  I don't know what I want.  

What techniques did I use to figure out what I want?  Our body talks to us in ways that we don't realize.  So paying extra attention to my body and cues to look for when I began thinking or visualizing others wants vs. my wants.  I started to feel more tired/just want to shut everything out - some weird feeling in my stomach.  Then I did an exercise on what I actually want - and the body felt lighter - relaxed - and that helped me come to my decision.  

I also wrote - and that is my go to source - and it started with the prompt 

What I really want is .......

I ideal vision is......

I hope to.....

Sometimes it was writing like a stream of consciousness at other times it was a couple of sentences.  But it was a process to get to and it helped identify what I wanted and give me the voice to say it out loud without guilt or any other type of emotion.  

If you are ever in a situation like mine try these prompts to help you make decisions!!

Happy Journaling!!

Wellness at Work Post pandemic

 Ever since companies and organizations started making plans to go back to in person work,  I have been thinking alot of wellness in the workplace.  Never before has something like this been more needed in the work environment.  The need to adjust to being in close proximity to one another, to spending the whole day in a mask, the constant cleaning up and making our spaces are clean, and adjusting back to the culture of the workplace and the fast paced routine.   When we worked from home, even though the nature of our work didn't change - our environment was controlled - we learned to create spaces that would allow for balance, concentration and wellness.  I look back at our home and how in the last two years how it has changed - all so that we could function optimally - and not feel burned out.  But as we go back to in person - we won't have the luxury of creating a separate space- our cubicles will still be there - and the same lunch room - and unless leadership start thinking of the kinds of adjustments that staff will need to make or implement we will see employees struggle with the return to work.  As someone who is responsible for running a program I am always checking in with my staff to make sure that they are doing okay.  We will be approaching two years in march of being remote - and throughout this time, my number one priority has been to make sure the staff is not over burdened.  Whether it be offering a support group for them to adjust to the pandemic, to hosting laughter session nights, to just creating a space for them to vent - it has helped in surviving through the pandemic in a virtual setting.  The work we do is emotionally exhausting and especially in a virtual setting makes it extremely challenging.  Our advocates listen day in and day out to stories of pain, shame, guilt and provide that emotional support, advocacy and time for our clients and it is so important that they are provided with the right coping tools and that they know that they are being supported in their workplace.   

What does this have to do with journaling?  Thinking about getting close to two years working virtually is scary - and I noticed that with the never ending recurrences covid variants and continued restrictions - it is starting to take a toll on staff.  So I thought to myself - what can I do for them?  What can I offer to help manage their stress levels? I started thinking of journaling as a writing tool and how it is extremely cathartic, and can also be fun with the right prompts.  So i started a monthly journaling group for staff - a space to write and carve out self-care time.  We had our first one this past friday and I am so glad we did it.  We talked about the many benefits of journaling and then provided them with guided writing prompts and shared.  It was a safe space and a time of healing.  And I could see from the look on their faces that they were enjoying it.  That gave me great satisfaction - and reaffirmed my need to do more of this.   I may not be able to bring about organizational change but what I can do is provide pathways for those I work with to make time for wellness and self-care.   

I hope that companies begin taking a look at the their employee's mental health and emotional health as we return to in person. I hope they take the time to have honest discussions about how awkward, difficult and uneasy this is - and I hope they give employees the space to find the normalcy once again.  

I leave you with a journal prompt that I think really helped me remember how much has changed over the years...

- Think of life pre-pandemic and where you are now - what has changed? What hasn't?  Begin with the prompt:  I Remember.....

Write for five minutes nonstop!

Happy Journaling! 

The Book of Regrets

 I started reading The Midnight Library by Matt Haig.  I am half way through it and I am thoroughly enjoying it.  For anyone that loves books and has spent hours in the library, the thought of being in a library filled with books about your own life is pretty incredible.  I remember spending time in my library after school and also while I was in college - I loved being surrounded by books - very comforting.  So this book was very easy to get into because the author creates that space for you to cozy up and start reading.  And that's how the book starts-I won't give much away but I will say this that it is about life and the paths we take and the paths we don't.  The main character is at a state of no return with the way her life is unfolding.  Sunk deep down in depression, she gets transported to this world which is The Midnight Library.  She is looks through her book of REGRETS and it is a big heavy book.  And she looks through different books of the many lives she could have lived had she taken that path.   

How many of us including myself have gone that road of "If only" - if only we had followed this, maybe my life would be different.  Then we keep building up this bucket of regrets and what does that really do to us? only more miserable.  What if we looked at our lives that everything that has happened to us has led us to the point that we are in today - we are a cumulative result of our experiences - would that create more regret? Or would that allow us to be more compassionate with ourselves and more understanding?  Does it mean we just accept and don't make changes? No- but its more an introspective look into the whys and hows of how we operate.  So that if something comes our way the next time around, we are more prepared with how we respond, welcome, and /or reject it.  I have lived my share of regrets- from career decisions to financial decisions to personal decision - to parenting decisions - and I can say from personal experience that it is very easy to get drowned in the abyss of the other "possible lives" or to get lost in the fact that my ability to make decisions is impaired.  Having come to a point at one point in my life to regretting every decision that I made, I had to force myself to take a step back and view it from a camera lens.  Reading through my book of regrets is not therapeutic - it only adds more shame and blame and guilt to the fire. And I dd not want to live with that anymore - I don't need it.  And so the real work began. I have had to work through and journal about these experiences to come to a place of acceptance -and it is hard work.  It is painful -but it is so worth it because then you are free - free to be u - with the whole works. There is a quote in the book by Ms. Elm the librarian " “‘You don’t have to understand life. You just have to live it.”  and that's exactly what life is about - living.   

A journal prompt for you this week is : Pick one regret and write a letter to it.  Pour out whatever it is in your heart.  Let it all come out - and be compassionate with yourself.  After that, treat yourself to something nice - a nice cup of tea, a small cookie, whatever will give you some sweet pleasure.  You deserve it.  

Happy Journaling!

My Body My Friend

 For as long as I remember I have had a love/hate relationship with my body.  I have spent my whole life trying to make friends with my body because I know that  self-love is the key to accepting my body.  But yet this body doesn't shape itself according to my vision of what I want for myself so I continue to have this love hate relationship.  It only got worse when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and part of my treatment was to take Tamoxifen post radiation.  

For the last three years I have been on Tamoxifen to prevent the breast cancer from coming back and I would say these last years have been the greatest tests of my life in accepting the body or rather to stop fighting with it.  This drug does something that I had no idea it could do- it stops the level of estrogen from being produced in your body - but what does that do to a premenopausal woman?  It does a whole lot of craziness and more.  And it has been a journey in getting to understand my body and not fight it.   I have learned to identify triggers for hot flashes, I have learned to make friends with pains in all parts of my body that I didn't even think existed, and last but not least I have learned to come to terms that yes my metabolism has slowed down like never before and that I will need to move 5xs as much if I want to eat the things that I enjoy eating.  It is a journey of ups and down for me.  I hated taking this drug when I started it. I hated the mood swings, I hated the pelvic pains that would appear that would make me scared - could this me uterine cancer?  I hated my annual visits to the gynecologist because I knew it meant that I would have to do more than my routine pap smear. I hated weighing myself because no matter what the pounds just don't come down.  I hated that i couldn't move as fast i wanted to because of pain in my joints.  So much hate going into yourself is not good - i had to make a choice - either i learn to live with it and love it or it will eat me alive and I am the one that will suffer.  I do believe that 2021 was the year that I finally began seeing a shift with myself and this love hate relationship with tamoxifen.  I was not going to stop taking it - so I had to make a choice - find ways to live with the side effects to make my life better.  But stop the hate.  But to stop the hate I must name it.  I must own up to it, name it and be aware.  Awareness and opening up is a freeing exercise because it relieves one of shame and guilt and fear and anger.  And that is what it has taken.  

Do i still have the same problems yes?  But what has changed is the relationship with my body- learning to take care of it because it is in pain.  For example, I have severe pain on my ankles and feet and this is due to tamoxifen because it does affect the joints - but i need to move - so instead of getting angry at myself for not being able to move, I find ways to move that I enjoy that I know will alleviate the pain.  I also go for acupuncture which has been a life saver for me  in energy and symptom management.  There is a very common saying in my house, that they hear me say a lot - "We all have pain - emotional and physical but we have to work through the pain, It doesn't go away but it makes it less manageable and we have to find the tools that work for us." 

I have been reading Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown - this book as I may have referred to in the past is about naming your emotions rather than shutting it down.  By naming how I have felt with my body in the last three years =it gives me more power to be my authentic self. The truth is ugly sometimes but the truth can also help see thing clearly and make us more open to being fully authentic with ourselves.  This will not be the last time I refer to this book - I believe there will be more blog posts on several aspects of this book - we are now in this society where it is not enough to just keep on living for the sake of living.  The pandemic has pushed us to want more out of life - to be better versions of ourselves- to love our imperfect self and to be true in thought word and deed - so I leave you with this quote:

What does it mean to you to be brave and afraid all in the same moment?  Where have you showed vulnerability and courage and it has set you free?

Write about it as a stream of consciousness with a timer - maybe for 10 minutes or even five if 10 is too much for you.  

Happy Journaling!

January 2022

 It is the first day of January 2022.  A new year, and another chance to make amends, to mastering a craft, to check off something from that bucket list.  Another year to do it right again.  Another year to give ourselves the opportunity to becoming the better version of ourselves.  Yet isn't that so much pressure when you think of it?  We create lists and then end up becoming overwhelmed when we don't get them done and then we end up in a rat race with ourselves.  I have this ritual of looking over my old journals and I realize I daydream alot -I let out a big chuckle as I read through these fantasies of where I would be during the end of 2021.  Who would have thought that we would be right where we were from 2020?  Not me.  I decided that I was not going to do any resolutions.   This was not for me.  But I was going to write and that the right prompts will come to me at the right time.     So our family did not sit around and do our intentions or our year in review or the journaling prompt of where we think we are going to be at the end of 2022.  We are simply just going to enjoy the last day of the year by being together and that the universe will send me the prompts that I am supposed to write.  So what we did instead was walk it out - we went on a long walk during the day so we could get out whatever we were feeling - each of us - in our own way.  We didn't need words yesterday because we each are dealing with some aspect of how the pandemic has affected us and continues to do so.  But what we did feel was gratitude.  Gratitude for being safe, for being covid free, for being somewhat healthy and for being together.  I like looking for signs - I always ask for the universe to show me signs - sometimes they are right in front of me, sometimes it is very difficult to see...but yesterday while walking, we came across a mural that was put together for a better tomorrow. And it was the perfect perfect way to start the new year...the mural was titled " What I wish for..."  It brought joy to me in that moment.  A mural about a better society, a mural that was filled with color, artwork depicting our dreams and wishes.  A perfect encounter on our walk- totally unexpected and I was so happy.  And a beautiful picture of just how beauty can be found in our universe.  

This morning, I was checking my inbox and was reading through the latest posts by Suleika Jaouad. https://theisolationjournals.substack.com/p/the-five-lists -yet again anohter message from the universe for me.  This was not about setting intentions but they were the five journal prompts that I was looking for.  

Journal Prompts to help get stuff that is stuck out of us so we can have more clarity.  You see there is a lot of fear about having hope - We don't know if our dreams will come through.  The amount of people that we have seen pass away tragically, suddenly this year, all this leaves us feeling a little icky - so when I read this quote by  Pema Chodron that says "ABANDON HOPE, " I loved it -it frees me of all expectation for myself and frees me of disappointment.  So these prompts were the perfect antidote to feeling hopeless - it allowed me to sit with what is real, what is ugly, what is beauty, and simply just sit with it.  No expectation nothing and that made me even more grateful.

So I share with you on this new year the five writing prompts that Suleika Jaouad presented us with and yes this time our family did sit around and we did this together.  A beautiful way to begin the new year....I wish you all peace, good health and moments of pure joy.     Happy Journaling! 

In place of resolutions, journal your way into the New Year with five lists.

1. What in the last year are you proud of?

2. What did this year leave you yearning for?

3. What’s causing you anxiety?

4. What resources, skills, and practices can you rely on in the coming year?

5. What are your wildest, most harebrained ideas and dreams?