50 years!

Tomorrow I turn 50.  As I look back on my life, I cannot believe that I have made it to this age.  Like Thich Nhat Hanh says, "Everything is possible because I am alive."  So today more than ever I feel immense gratitude for the precious gift called life.  Does it mean that this life has been a glorious easy ride? Not at all - and to quote : "most of life is hell, it is filled with failure and loss. People disappoint you, dreams don't work out, hearts get broken, and the best moments of life when everything comes together are few and fleeting, but you will never get to the next great moment if you don't keep going, so keep going."  

I think that sums up my life.  I have kept on going through all the trials and tribulations that the universe has thrown at me. I have seen dreams not come true, and instead of beating myself up about it, I hold my head up high and move upward to perhaps a new dream.  I have seen and felt deep deep loss in this lifetime - and despite that loss, I still have the energy to wake up and face the day.  Every single moment in this lifetime has been a turning point in the development of myself.  If I had to describe what it is that this life time has brought me it is this:

- to forgive over and over again

-to be compassionate 

-to let my voice be heard 

-to know that the phrase "this to shall pass". really means that - it will pass - you just have to play your part and it will pass

- to learn to pick my battles- b/c drama is wasted energy

- to be able to say no and be totally okay with it - 

- to learn to set boundaries 

- to become my own advocate and not looking at the outside world to be my advocate 

-to be my own cheerleader- it took me so long to get to that - always looking outside of myself for that when it is always inside. 

- to allow myself to be loved unconditionally and accept that love fully- in all my flaws and craziness- but knowing that I am loved just the way I am. 

-to be comfortable in my body -

- to have utmost faith in God/Higher Power in every step that I have taken - 

- to be able to make the same food that I grew up on from my mom and my grandmother

- if i don't make mistakes how will I break the habit?  

that patterns are created and i must recognize the patterns so they don't repeat themselves and pass down generationally.  

Trauma is real!

-to realize that if I "don't ask", I may never know the answer and so always ask.  The worse that they can say is NO.  

So as I reflect on this - I know I will take this wisdom to help me in the next stage of my life - post pandemic with all the challenges and craziness that awaits us as I prepare to move back to in person work. I will use this wisdom to make decisions so that I can live life on my terms.  Happy Birthday to me! 

Journal Prompt:

Write a letter to your younger self in a particular time period. How old were you? Where were you at that time and go into detail about the environment.  Write about the smell, the colors, the place - let the memory take you places that you allow yourself to.  

Happy Journaling!

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