The Sum of what I am

 My Centering Thought this morning on International Women's Day......

I am all of it and much more

I contain within me the vastness of this universe

I contain the full sum of it

I am my grandmother's voices, my aunts and my sisters

I am all of it and so much more

I am compassion, fierceness and justice all in one

I am ruthless, fearless and kindness too

I am Divine principle, energy and movement

I am solitude, grounded and serene

I go where my heart leads

I voice what my heart speaks

I am intuition, grace and freedom 

I am peace! 

I am my own true healer

I am Woman, all of it and much more! 

Journal Prompt:  Today is International Women's Day.  Use this day to celebrate yourself.   Begin with the line,  " I am, or I  Will or I can....and see what comes up.   

What you see is What you Get

I am all of the above. I am my gifts and my strengths and my light. I am also my weaknesses and my liabilities. I am my darkness and I'm not ashamed of an ounce of it. What you see is what you get - Parker Palmer-

I was reading a conversation between Rabbi Ariel Burger and Parker Palmer.  Both have written books on suffering, healing and joy.  The above quote I felt was so powerful.  Embracing yourself exactly as you are is a process.  It is an ever evolving journey.  How can we look at ourselves and not be ashamed of the light and dark within us? It takes courage and vulnerability to see ourselves exactly as we are.  Sometimes seeing the dark can lead to a state of depression.  The suffering we feel can make us become brittle, angry and cynical.   Years of shame and doubt have been embedded in our psyche and we don't know what to do with.  

A helping hand that you can lean on across the way is often the gateway to even look at your darkness.  The hand could be in the form of a spiritual teacher, a therapist, an energy worker, a personal trainer,  a friend.  That hand is non-judgmental, ever loving and a supportive person.  It allows you to face the negative and make small steps to get to the other side.  But our darkness never goes away.  What we learn to do is manage it, and with the help of someone,  find tools to keep it from shutting down.   

We all have experienced suffering in some form or the other.  How does it affect us?  What do we do with that suffering?  Do we use that as a blessing knowing that it can have the potential to heal another.  

Take for example, my experience as as breast cancer survivor.  It was a form of physical suffering in terms of what the body goes through - but it was also a time of really looking at my darkness and accepting it.  Whether it was eating habits, or lack of exercise, or not knowing how to say no - all of these takes honesty and vulnerability to admit "I need help."  

And Help is not bad.  It puts you in contact with others who have gone through similar situations and provides you with that extra support to embrace yourself.   And now that I am okay with the "all of me" - how can I be a source of support to someone else who may need that.  

Imagine a world if it was filled with that kind of healing - and we use it as a blessing.  How wonderful would that be?   

Journaling Prompt:   Begin with "What you see is What you get" - and write for 2-5 minutes.   

Happy Journaling!

Healing - A Work in Progress

Writing is like exercising. The more you do it, the stronger you are with flexibility, with muscle development and endurance. But if you stop, then it takes everything from you to get back into the game. I believe something like this happened to me. I haven't written in the last four years. Every time I try to pinpoint why, I can't find an answer. I find excuses- not enough time, too tired, too much work, and then at the final excuse is "who am I doing this for." For myself or to get some type of feedback. These excuses are all valid. Work consumed me, stress got the best of me, and then I got sick. I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in fall of 2018. This is when everything came tumbling down. Questions of "how" and "why" and focusing on treatment was the priority. Writing was at the bottom of my list. I felt like a hypocrite because I knew that writing is a way to healing -and I have written about it but this time - it was an intentional resistance. I refused to engage. 

 

The blogs stopped and I had some serious soul work and searching to do. My treatment came first. Then came serious quality of life decisions that would change how I live my life. When I did pick up my pen, the journal entries would focus on gratitude for being alive and cancer free. I would journal but more for self- analysis resolving old wounds.  It was my private time - time for me to really heal. It has been two years that I am cancer free and not a day goes by that I am not conscious of impermanent life is. And with Covid, the reality was greater. Life can be snatched at any second.  It brought that reality to the surface.  And what is the result - you either retreat or move forward.   

 My healing these past couple of years came from other sources - and I was okay with it. Writing wasn't the way for me at that time, but instead it was movement. As humans we hold so many emotions in our body - and how conscious are we of them? During my cancer treatment, I had to focus on release of emotions - such as fear, anger, shame, regret, and loss.  I found that no matter how much I wrote, it did not give me the same kind of release that I needed.  I found joy in yoga and I found release. I learned to let go and be fluid. It taught me to be comfortable with my body - something that I have struggled with all my life. It taught me acceptance. The other form of healing came through nature. Walking in nature left me feeling refreshed and renewed. The very act of walking by having your feet touch the ground and your arms move up and down was a form of letting go. Cold crisp air, solid giant trees, the sounds of the birds, the sun shining down all let to a sense of wonder. Every time I went on a walk, it was like a ritual. It involved choosing different spots where I could walk. It would involve challenging myself to walk in areas that were difficult to do (climbing up hill) and I would always come out of there feeling refreshed and renewed. I began an obsession with sunrises and sunsets. I loved watching the sun set - and seeing the colors that covered through the sky. It was watching the beauty of grace unfold before you.   What a wonderful thing Grace is when you see it scatter in various aspects of your life.  And last but not least meditation. Meditation took me inward so I could be strong to face the day ahead with poise.  Healing never stops.  

And then something happened in 2020.  We all were struck by the pandemic.    This pandemic has created something in each of us that will take a long time for all of us to heal. Lockdowns meant that I could only do walks that were in my close by vicinity. My outside trips, like many, have been limited to the grocery shops and my close by family. Like many our household has been completely remote for the last couple of months. It has been difficult to tell the difference between days at times. Cooking is our new past time. And although I hear about how wonderful of a time it is to begin a new hobby, I am honestly exhausted to even try anything. We are working but in a different way - from the confines of our home - where boundaries have to be set, expectations that have to be met at work, and rest and renewal in the beginning seemed impossible. Having come into a year into this pandemic (it will be a year March 16th) I can truly say that all those modalities that I undertook during my cancer treatment came in handy.  This pandemic has made everyone a mixed bag of emotions.  The constant information that we were being bombarded with in the news was overwhelming and we needed to each find our own ways to work this this world trauma.  And writing was not one of the ways - because it was too overwhelming to write about the feelings.  Sometimes words doesn't do it justice.  And you need to release those feelings in other forms.  

And so here I am writing after the last couple of years - hoping to continue to write some more - from a survivor perspective.  Whether we suffer a personal loss, or like the pandemic we have all suffered some type of loss - and it takes courage, strength and perseverance and resiliency to come out alive through it all.  We are all survivors of some kind and in some way we have all held onto to some type of hope - because hope is what gives us the courage to move through the process. 

A writing prompt to help close this...

I have lost ......

I have survived .....

Happy Journaling!!

What I know for sure

Give us Hope my voice is calling
Can't you see the look in my eyes?
Can  you feel my hand is reaching? 
Give us Hope and we will show you the way

This is a theme song that is in my son's chorus program and every time I hear them singing it, it brings tears to my eyes.  Between the tune and the lyrics, there is something about the word hope that sends a feeling of peace through our mind. Knowing that we can see, feel or be hope is healing - so any chance of seeing the slightest remote light of hope can do wonders for anyone that is feeling lost or wants to feel hope. 

We need a lot of hope with what is going on in this country right now - especially with our younger generation.  They are growing up too fast and being exposed to violence too early on in their lives.  Every day I wake up and I say a prayer of protection for my son because of the news that we hear.  The news about a school bus being overturned on the way to a school trip, the news about another school shooting, the news about budget cuts being made left and right in public schools where arts and music are not being valued , the news about immigrant children being separated by their parents and the list can go on and on.   I just feel we have taken a step back somewhere - and I don't know how we got there.  There is an epidemic of some kind in this country where children's lives are just not valued - how many more school shootings do we need to have for legal action and legislation can take place? Does it have to boil down that the only way something like this is going to change is if it lawmakers are affected by it personally?  What is going to be the point that will get positive change to start occurring? I don't have the answers. 

But what I do know for sure is that this year has been a year of activism for me - it has taken me back to my early social work days where it was important to stand up for what we believed in, fight for what is right and advocate. This kind of activism is necessary to feel hope - because so much of what we are fighting for is beyond our control.  So I started this year with the Women's march - not for me but for my son - so he can grow up to be an advocate for himself and for the women in his life.  Our next march was March for Our Lives - to end gun violence and this too was with my son - because it was about him and his future.   In between that time, I have been sending postcards, calling congress on healthcare, net neutrality, and the list can go on.  It has been exhausting. But I do it because it gives me hope of living a better future.   And I will continue.  My next fight has been about budget cuts in public education system.   It affects my son, and it affects his future.  And yet we keep hitting roadblocks.  But I don't stop.  I will not stop because hope exists in my heart.   And if we don't have hope how are we able to live and breathe. 

If you are reading this and can resonate with what I am writing about - I ask that you continue or make a pledge to be the change.  Our kids need to feel that someone is looking out for them and feel safe- and it is our job as a community to do that for them.  Let us move onward....

P.s. - it has been over a year since I last wrote on this blog- the words didn't flow and so I decided to act - but at some point we need to write about what we see around us - and journaling is one way to do that. 

Today's Journal Prompt: 

My voice is calling .......... (write for five minutes non stop)


Happy Journaling!

I must stay still....

The bee was buzzing all around me.
It was small, but yet I knew the power of its bite
I stayed still knowing that movement can cause it to land on some part of your body
i've had that sting before and boy is it painful
so this time I resolved that I would not budge - no matter what I must stay still.
but for how long can I stay still?
breathing consciously in and out without taking any steps I just stood there
it felt like forever
when would it leave
maybe it was my fragrance
maybe it sensed something was there
it was all of five minutes but it felt like eternity
i decided to stay motionless until it would leave
i did not look at my phone for those five minutes
i did not even think about my to do list
all i did was focus on my breath
and at last finally I saw it fly away to a farther distance away from me.
that was intense
intense fear, intense worry, intense frustration because I had to pause what I was doing...
but yet an intense lesson in learning to be still amidst the noise
that was some loud noise
and it just wouldn't leave me alone
but i had to tune it out
and by focusing on my breath i tuned the noise out too
don't know if I would be able to do it again, but for that one moment I was grateful to not move
I was grateful to watch from a distance the happenings around me -almost like a movie
I was grateful because I didn't get bit...
I stood my ground.

Journal Prompt: Think of the last time you stood your ground....write about it for five minutes nonstop!

Fluidity

Fluidity may refer to "A continuous, amorphous substance whose molecules move freely past one another and that has the tendency to assume the shape of its container"
Synonyms for Fluidity include adaptability, flexibility, resilience, adjustable, supple - in essence it is to go with the flow - don't stick to ideas what "should" and what "must" but rather be flexible enough to ease and float along because it could lead you to your purpose, surprises, and being a fuller version of your true being. But as humans we grow up and create these images in our head of what things are supposed to be like - and it is so hard to let go of these ideas especially when they appear on the surface very different from our values.  But isn't fluidity essential to survival? Taking on the shape of something means that we begin to view things from another's person perspective - when we do that, we become more understanding and less judgmental.  Fluidity is always flowing - never stagnant -if we flow we are allowing ourselves to receive and give - if we are stagnant - everything around us is stuck.   What are some images that come to your mind when you hear the word fluidity? I see images of Yoga- doing an asana that will allow me to stretch my limbs fully that I feel connected to my breath and the earth.    I see water- cooling, giving us life - flowing.  All of these images eventually build resilience - another essential quality to survival. I also see confusion - because sometimes going with the flow may lead us in another direction - a life that we may not want for ourselves and continuously resisting but more and more incidences may actually be leading us to this life we are resisting.  so if we accept and take its shape perhaps we can be supple, flexible, free without feeling stuck all the time.  If our bodies are fluid, our minds are too  and isn't that key to freedom - freeing our minds from all these preconcieved notions, assumptions, values....A difficult task to achieve for us humans.....
Journal Prompt:
Stretching is so important - not only for our bodies, but for our mind - what is your favorite stretch? Take five minutes aside and begin to focus on your breath and awareness as you begin your favorite stretch - pay attention to each limb stretching with each breath going in and out - and pay attention to each movement.   When you are done with the stretch, take your notebook and write for five minutes nonstop.  Let the fluidity flow:)

Happy Journaling!

Invite your Fear to a cup of tea :)

Invite your Fears to a cup of tea -that was the affirmation that I picked up this morning.  This is an affirmation from Kris Karr  http://kriscarr.com/meet-kris/ - Crazy Sexy Love Notes Card Deck.

 I had to think about that for a little bit and wonder - what fears? what does this mean?  But we all have our hidden fears and sometimes it is our fears that dictate our actions -and most likely than none they are deep in our subconscious.  SO what if we do the opposite - find a way to make friends with our fears so that when we do and we are meeting face to face with them - instead of combatting, we engage in a dialogue.  Dialogue is what is needed in this world and we spend so much time on wanting to be right and wanting to be heard that we often forget to listen.   And we must start with ourselves - our selves so we can engage in true dialogue.  

What would it look like if we invited our fears to a cup of tea? A cup of tea is soothing -it is calming - and when we invite something that we are afraid of to tea, we give it a more safe connotation.  We give it permission to speak without being condemned or censored and last of all without being judged. The first step would be to create a list of fears - almost like creating a guest list.  What are my fears - this pushes me to be aware of the conscious and subconscious fears lurking in the back of me. And with each fear, i must force myself to resist judging them.  I have made that choice to be at the table with possibly my worse enemy- someone who will not allow me to shine - someone who wants to sabotage me every time I try to do something that is out of my comfort zone.  And over time, I begin to loathe that quality or that feeling so I push it down so hard that I resist feeling anything.  But now I have made the choice to face it - face it gently, lovingly, and openly knowing that is the only way to make the breakthrough.  Regardless of impressions, I must be open to listening and I must be open to changing.

The next step in the process is creating a space and a time - it can't be done when I have a 100 things going on - it needs to be done in a quiet, special place where I feel trusted.  The first image that came to my mind was a quiet coffee shop - or even a place of nature - but whatever it is -the timing and the venue has to be right.  Because if it is done without your full attention, it may take a wrong turn.

The next step is making the call to invite your fears - think of this as an affirmation that you are calling out to yourself or writing out to yourself to let your fears come to the table and so you can dialogue with them.  "hello Fear "   When I mean dialogue, i mean writing out what fear has to say to you - so Once you are centered feeling safe and comfortable, take deep breaths and ask the question  - "What is the fear of my health (example) trying to tell me?"   take a few moments and just sit with it. and when you are ready, allow yourself to write for twenty minutes nonstop.  

We have many layers and this may have to be done more than once, at different times, and so with that, we take the time to be present with ourselves.  Being present is key to unraveling our fears.  

So take some time and invite your fears to a cup of tea.....
make that change

Happy Journaling!