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Monday, July 29, 2013

Incompleteness....

As children we grow up with siblings.  Often a new birth into a family creates mixed emotions.   For the oldest child, it is not only excitement, but it is also a fear of not being loved enough of not receiving enough attention, of not being the favorite.  Our parents use whatever tools they have to create harmony between siblings and to restore balance.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, depending on the degree of comparison that often is created by the parents.  Regardless of how much a parent may tell their children that they love all of them equally - if their actions indicate otherwise, the children will begin to internalize the differences and act it out accordingly.   It happens in all families, yet the power of love can create the best of bonds between siblings and often they are our best friends.  

But it takes effort to build that kind of relationship - effort on the part of parents to create an environment so that the feeling of "i wish i had what he/she had" or " i wish they would not treat me differently." or " I wish I was as smart/beautiful/etc as him/her"  doesn't develop.     I have watched families, and watched children grow into adults feeling incomplete because that foundation  of a sense of self was not established as a child due to various factors.   Blaming parents is not the answer - but learning from our past so we don't repeat the cycle is the answer.  Also being in tuned with our sense of incompleteness whatever that may be can help break the cycle.  

There are so many words that can describe this feeling - rivalry, jealousy, incomplete, insecure -whatever word you choose to define it as - if you feel it, then it is important to be in tuned with it.    Some people might say - why be in tuned with it? what is that going to do to me? how is that going to help me?   I say, that by being in tuned to it, you can become more aware of the triggers in you that create these feelings.  And by being more aware - you can change the state of your relationships and you can work on processing these feelings so they don't impact your relationships.  

Think of a situation you have been in where you either receive some news  - now think about the initial gut reaction -do you feel a twinge in your stomach - do you feel a knot in your throat - think about your initial body reactions and the process after that - do you find yourself feeling guilty for thinking negatively - do you find yourself rationalizing your thinking- do you find yourself pushing the thoughts/feelings away and bury it deep down so you don't have to think about it?

Now what if you did the exact opposite?  What if you chose to acknowledge the body sensations and be present with it? what if you chose to be aware of the thoughts in your mind whichever way they go without feeing guilty about it? what if you decided to actually write about the feelings you are having without burying them deep inside? What would the outcome be?  

The feeling may not go away - but being aware, it teaches you how to have more compassion and more understanding for yourself and for the other person.  
It teaches you to be patient with yourself.   It gives you insight into you verbalizing your desires and perhaps actually manifesting them should you feel that you have put them on the back burner.  

The practice of mindfulness - of being in tuned to your thoughts, emotions, feelings is so important in this practice when you begin to feel incomplete as a person.     Journaling is a sort of mindfulness.  It is the act of being in tuned with your thoughts, allowing you to process them, and then letting it sit with you without judgment, just more understanding.  

Prompt:   Try Breathing in 10 times - Inhale and Exhale 10 times and be in tuned with your thoughts, emotions as you inhale and exhale.   If you find yourself wandering, gently bring it back to counting back to where you left off.   When you are up to 10, pick up your pen and write for five minutes non stop.  

Happy Journaling!


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